You will cry.

-Seth

Are you a PC Proficient Self-Starter who plans to develop a High-Caliber Accelerated Career Track in a World Class Organization, experiencing Direct & Decisive Organizational Leadership while participating in High-Growth Emerging International Markets with a company implementing Technologically Advanced Operations?

Then the Carlson School of Management's High-Impact Phrases and Action Verbs is the Driving Innovation you need to become a Peak Performer and procure Fast-Track Promotion in today's Emerging Business Ventures.

Utilizing such phrases as, "Top Flight Leadership Competencies," "Competitively Positioning Products & Technologies," "Process Reengineering," and "Matrix Management," will ensure that you seem like a Proactive Business Leader ready to deliver World Class Leadership, even when Benchmarking yourself against the Best In Class in Entrepreneurial Vision and Visionary Leadership.

Go for the Competitive Wins by Delivering Strong and Sustainable Gains; "What kind of gains?" you ask, how about:

1. Strong & Sustainable Financial Gains!
2. Strong & Sustainable Performance Gains!
3. Strong & Sustainable Productivity Gains!
4. Strong & Sustainable Profit Gains!
5. Strong & Sustainable Quality Gains!
6. Strong & Sustainable Technology Gains!

With Driving Productivity Gains like that, there'll be no doubt that your Decisive Management Style will be a Catalyst for Change in your employer's Cross-Culturally Sensitive quest for Global Market Dominance.

By Outperforming Global Competition with Pioneering Technologies and Multi-Discipline Industry Expertise you and your company will secure Accelerating Revenue Growth that those with a Contemporary Management Style can't even conceive.

But in order to accomplish Distinguished Performance such as this, you must review the materials from your Competitive Market Positioning classes and position yourself as a Creative Problem-Solver with High-Quality Core Competencies. The Carlson School of Management's High-Impact Phrases and Action Verbs is the Change Agent you need to assist you toverbalize your Cross-Functional Expertise in a way that any Creative Business Leader or Proactive Manager will see your Team Building potential.

Driving Performance Improvement is not an easy job, and sometimes Capturing Cost Reductions and Productivity Improvements just aren't enough; sometimes it takes Business Process Reengineering, if not all-out Business Process Redesign in order to achieve World Class Operations, but you can rest assured that you will have the right vocabulary and High Impact phrases in order to overcome all Change Management problems. Surely, no one will doubt your Performance Management or Aggressive Turnaround Leadership.

Outperforming Market Competition is a team effort, and you will not only need Team Leadership, but Cross-Functional Team Leadership as well. Nothing builds teams like a leader, and nothing demonstrates your Executive Leadership abilities like a High-Performance speech (aided by action words and phrases from our list) executed by an Organizational Driver such as yourself.

You may be worried that some may not understand what "Driving Customer Loyalty Initiatives," "Process Redesign," or "Performance Reengineering" means. Don't be. A future Organizational Leader, such as yourself, shouldn't concern his or herself with the lesser type of people that can't translate your Strategic & Tactical Operations into Performance Improvement

With our help your Entrepreneurial Leadership will shine through and inspire some Top Tier Executive to send his Executive Liaison to hire you soon!

-Seth

\italics are action verbs.
\\Bolds are high impact phrases.
\\\Yes, every one of the High Impact phrases was used.

The point of the Lyttle Lytton Contest is to write the most horribly funny opening line to a book that you can in 25 words or less. It's a spin-off of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which has the same aim, but without the word limit.

Here are some of the better ones that I came up with. You'll probably notice that I reused a few gags, trying to make the most out of them, particularly dental hygine.

• "In the year 2843, halitosis was finally defeated," read the memorial plaque.
  
  
• His attempt to woo her failed like a poorly constructed simile falling, metaphorically, on its anthropomorphised face, because similes can't fall and don't have faces.
  
  
• Call me Ishmael; though most people call me "Sack," on account of my last name, Sakariassen, which I hate, so please call me Ishmael, jerk.
  
  
• Dental hygine had always been of utmost importance to Cynthia, but tonight she just didn't feel like flossing.
  
  
• Once upon a time, in the year 2374, people will no longer need to brush their teeth.
  
  
• "Think of the children!" screeched a pundit on cable news, and Herman, getting ready for bed, was, indeed, thinking of the children.
  
  
• It was the last hour of the first day of the rest of her life as a copyright lawyer, for about another 15 minutes.
  
  
• Lurching forward, the Segways knowingly setting in motion the people, but unknowingly the events to proceed, proceeded to move forward.
  
  
• The chicken or the egg: Andrew knew which came first, but it simply didn't matter anymore.
  
  
• So first off I gotta say hello to all my peeps back in the 701 lol and of course to jesus christ i love you!
  
  
• Night was, metaphorically, falling.
  
  
• There are those in the blogosphere community that would rather I not relate the events of June 30, 2004: the last day of that month.
  
  
• Jim (which is the name of our hero (aged 34 (male (single)))) liked holidays (espessicaly Arbor Day (the day of our story)).
  
  

The first two might be better if I hacked off the ends. The first would lose the pun, but it would indicate that the book was actually a science fiction book about humanity's final triumph over bad breath. With the way it is now, it might just mean the main character is reading something incidental to the plot. I can't tell if the second one is funnier with or without the clumy explanation of the poorly constucted simile tacked onto the end.

-Seth

For God's Sake!!!
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!1

-Seth